Suicide is not new to my family. When I was 18 years old my grandfather killed himself. I remember every detail of that day, what I was doing, where I was sitting when the call came in, and what the message was. See, my grandfather had always suffered from depression. He was in and out of mental institutions, and always struggled to fit into this world. I never quite knew why as a child, in fact, I was somewhat embarrassed by him. When he died, the paper said he suffered from an illness, a story I kept going due to the fear of ridicule and shame. Over the years that veil lifted, and my shame turned to understanding. My grandfather was a brilliant man! He was a chemist and enigineer for Uniroyal, helped the local police with investigations, made inventions and on quiet mornings - picked raspberries with his grandchildren. One of whom was my cousin Jeff. He would work with wood, making bird houses and numbers for people to display on their homes. As I evolved in my own life, I knew he was more than all that. He was an empath, and because of that, he felt too deeply. Being an empath myself, I understand what a burden that can be. He was religious, and went to church regularly, so upon hearing what happened, I knew he was where he wanted to be.
It took several years for me to admit to anyone that he committed suicide. Now, I speak of him proudly. I am an advocate for suicide prevention and depression, as I too suffer from it. I am not ashamed of who I am, but rather, am open so that others feel safe and find comfort knowing I understand. People who commit suicide are not selfish, they are lost. They are not weak, they are tired. The stigmatism around suicide is placed there by those who have never been affected, or who have been but choose to use anger as a method of healing. We need to open our hearts, through compassion and empathy, and reach out to help one another.
If I end with anything it is this, please love one another. Life is too short to hold on to grudges, or shame, or guilt. If you suffer from depression and are feeling suicidal, please reach out to someone. I know often times it feels like the last thing to do, but believe me, the world needs you.
To my cousin Jeff, you will be missed. I will always remember the sweet smile of the cousin I spent endless days with, running around grandma and grandpa's yard, picking berries, sliding down the hill in the snow and playing Voltron. You always have and always will hold a special place in my heart. I love you.
Love and Light -
Jenn
*****If you are feeling suicidal - please reach out - you are not alone!
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